My question really is, is it worth it?
I’m at uni, yes. I enjoy my course, yes. But am I really able to take it that step further, am I willing to take it further than what I am handed and given to explore? I don’t know.
I have no motivation this week and maybe that’s because it’s January but I don’t really remember feeling actual proper motivation on this course that wasn’t in some way linked to pressing time constraints which always motivates me and is the time when I do some of my best work.
I have lists of extra stuff to look into, extra reading I (would like to) should be doing. Is it a problem that I always think should,not would like to? I don’t know. I suppose it may be, it must be pretty difficult to get motivated about something you have to do, always has had that effect on me anyway.
If I’m not motivated enough to be looking into extra stuff, should I be here? Should I be investing my time and other people’s money elsewhere, and save us all a load of work by actually finding something that I push myself on?
I feel like the answer is no, should be no. I’ve worked my whole life to get here, as has my other to support me through it. I’m not doing this out of obligation to my family, it is something that I want to do. But, as some say, I am ‘consumerist’ I do just sit there and let it come at me; not that I don’t interrogate what I’m given, I just only interrogate what I’m given and I feel I should be doing more than that if this is truly what I want and am interested in.
If I want to do a postgrad, should I not be doing more research into the stuff in it? If I am passionate about completing this degree to the highest standard, should I not be researching what I want to do for my dissertation? Should I not have an idea or a few on what I want to do my dissertation on? Identity is as far as I’ve gotten and considering identity is a lot of what we do it’s not very bloody specific.
If this is what I want to do, I should relax with it, take my time, digest it, learn how to be a student and learn how to be a critic. That is what I am, after all, here to do, to learn how to be (and ‘how to do’ in their words.)
I will research those things, but I have to do my actual work first. And I hear you, niggle, I should get a job, but you know what; I’m gonna throw that out the window till next term for the pure and simple reason that, I want to be a good, diligent, passionate student who researches the random shit their brain comes up with and the tenuous links and extra articles that get referenced. And if it takes another term of non-real-life-paid-work, then that’s what it takes – doesn’t mean I have to stop looking in the meantime if I want to, it’s just not a priority.
‘Grats brain, you made a decision. And guess what? It doesn’t need affirming by anyone but you/me, and we affirm that mf decision, and if you still wanna check it with people, that’s also fine. Go us! *cheesy cheerleading gestures*